


Throw me in the deep end, watch me drown

by erinyen



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post Season 6
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-01 13:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15144296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erinyen/pseuds/erinyen
Summary: After Shiro's revival on a nearby deserted planet, team Voltron is on it's way back to earth. While the most are filled with awaiting joy to get home, Lance finds himself spiraling deeper and deeper into sadness and guilt. It doesn't take long for Keith to notice the change in his once so cheerful teammate and he tries to get closer to Lance, wanting to break through that wall Lance built around himself to hide his true feelings.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Halsey's "Hold me down" 
> 
> Season 6 was one hell of an emotional rollercoaster, holy banana... I just can't deal with the way things are right now, aka Lance's silent suffering and the lack of comfort from the others, therefore I wanted to write something to solve this dilemma of mine. Also, this is just the beginning of what I had in mind and scribbled down rather quickly, which means there's definitely more to come.
> 
> I'm new at this so please have mercy with me ><
> 
> (ps: direct speech is always in cursive)

After the short break on the nearby deserted planet, the five Lions began their long journey to the place where everything once began. The red lion was following the black lion along with the others, but maybe a tick slower. Lances body was mechanically operating the dozens of controls but his mind had wandered somewhere else…

  ** _His body is barely living, but Shiro’s spirit is alive. It’s inside the black lion. I’ve heard him talking to me._**

_He… He tried to tell me, but I… I didn’t realize. I… I didn’t know… I could’ve…_

Keith’s shocking words still lingered in his mind, he doubted he would be able forget them soon. Lance bit on his lip and unsuccessfully tried to ignore the deep sense of guilt in his stomach. _If only he’d tried harder._ He could have prevented this situation from happening long ago and wouldn’t have brought them all in danger.

He never seriously considered the possibility, that the Shiro they found after he went missing, was a manipulated copy. But looking back, he should have…

After all, Shiro’s spirit had reached out to him in the astral plane and after the incident with the castle near the white hole, even clone Shiro told him that he didn’t feel like himself.

But he didn’t get it, like always, he never gets anything. Just what was to be expected of the 7th wheel of the group, or the 9th wheel if he counts Krolia and Romelle in. And even if he would have told someone, the group wouldn’t have bought it, why should they believe the words of someone who’s a good for nothing goofball…

Just as Lance was spiraling deeper and deeper into his self-loathing thoughts, Hunks friendly but exhausted voice filled the comms.

 _“Guys, I know we've only been flying for a short while since our last stop, but I just wanted let you know that I wouldn’t mind getting some good old sleep soon. I don’t know about you guys but I’m really tired of all the stuff that happened today, I mean, yesterday we shared food goo with Lotor and the next day we fight him in his own Voltron robot in the quintessence field and after that we sacrificed the castle of lions to save the whole galaxy and now we started our road trip_ _back to earth, I mean, man that’s just crazy.”_

 _“You are certainly right with that, I’m still shook about the recent events, but we did the right thing.”_ Allura agreed with Hunk, but even though she tried to sound happy, Lance noticed the sadness and hurt in her voice. Which was no surprise, after all everybody was shocked about how Lotor betrayed the team, but Allura... She was the one closest to him, she trusted him with her heart, only for this trust to be shattered into little pieces.

 _“So, what about the sleeping part? Hunk’s right, we should all sleep for a bit. The lions could use the time to recharge themselves too”,_ Pidge stated.

Then Keith spoke up: _“You’re right, we should get some rest soon. With the castle gone, I guess we just have to make do with the Lions as provisory quarters. Coran, where’s the next planet with a solid atmosphere?”_

There was some rustling to be heard, like Coran had to move closer to the interface of the blue lion. _“You’re lucky paladins, following this route there is one about a varga away, it’s called Belzak and it’s home to a bear like species.”_

Pidge interrupted him: _“Wait what, bears? Is this safe? After all the trouble we went through to survive I don’t want to be attacked by a bear in my sleep.”_

Coran snickered: _“Do not worry green paladin, the Belzums are friendly creatures that live underwater. As long as you don’t plan on taking a deep dive in the planets waters, you probably won’t even get to see them.”_

 _“Alright then, let’s go to this Belzak planet and rest for a bit, follow my lead”,_ Keith added.

After that the comms were silent again and Lance took a look at the sky with its endless stars and planets, somehow looking at the bright constellations calmed him a little bit.

Not shortly after, Lances peacefulness was once again disturbed when Keith opened a direct communication line to his red lion.

“ _Lance, are you alright? You’re so quiet ever since we left.”_

Keith sounded genuinely worried and Lance felt sorry for him, but why should Keith even bother?

_“I’m sorry, I’m just… Just a little bit tired.”_

_“You know you can talk to me if there’s something wrong.”_

_“It’s nothing, really. Enough about me, how’s Shiro doing?”_

Keith hadn’t spent much time with Lance since he returned to the group, but he noticed that there was something else behind the obvious exhaustion in his voice. Sadness, glumness? Keith wasn’t sure, but if Lance didn’t want to talk with him, then he wouldn’t force him to do so. 

_“He’s fine. He’s resting in the back of the black lion, Krolia is looking after him.”_

_“That’s good to hear, by the way, do you think this nearby planet grows any grass or something similar? I didn’t manage to bring any on board of the lion and Kaltenegger must be hungry.”_

Keith gave out a small laugh: _“We’ll have to wait and see, but in case there isn’t any, I guess we just have to let her taste some of the food goo. But I’m kind of in the same situation, as long as there isn’t any stack with dog food somewhere hidden in this lion, I will have to search for some space wolf food too.”_

Lance was surprised, this was probably the longest conversation he ever had with Keith for a long time and it hadn't turned into a bickering yet. _“You’re right, but don’t you dare let him have a taste of Kaltenegger, she’s no snack.”_

_“Don’t worry, I had two years’ time to train him and he listens pretty good to me as long as I don’t try to play fetch with him.”_

_“Somehow I just can’t image you trying to play fetch with your wolf, or even a normal dog, it just seems so surreal. I mean Keith, the hot headed loner who spent every free minute in the training room instead of any company, now leisurely playing with his pet, no way that’s happening.”_

_“Well, I guess those two years brought quite a change."_

_“Probably more than I want to admit… Anyway, you probably have other things to focus on  now than talking to me, so goodbye and until later...”_

Keith couldn’t add anything else before the communication line was cut, but he heard a faint slightly happy _“…and thanks for asking…”_ before the silent humming of the black lion was all that filled his ears.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished writing the second chapter, man that took way longer than I expected and I'm still far far away from writing the stuff that really intrigues me T_T
> 
> Well then, I hope you like it ^^
> 
> (ps: *** stands for a short time skip, while some of Lances thoughts are in cursive)

Like Coran had said, about a varga later the small planet called Belzak came into the paladins view. Overall the planet’s surface seemed to consist of water with little specks of green, that had to be land covered in plants. The planet undeniable had its similarities with earth, but it was a lot smaller, like really a lot smaller. An average sized lake on earth could probably be a whole ocean on Belzak. 

Keith took the lead when it came to landing and a short moment after, the five lions were smoothly standing in a big area of grassland surrounded by a little forest. The planet had its own sun which meant a similar alternation of day and night like earth, additionally Belzak also had two small moons. On the spot they had landed, the sun had already disappeared beyond the horizon and left the landscape in a peaceful darkness with the shine of the moonlight.

Lance let out a deep breath, thank god they were finally here. The last hour somehow felt like ages, Lance didn’t know if it was the silence in the cockpit, the monotonous route they had traveled with or something else than that. In any case, he was definitely eager to step out of his lion, cast his helmet along with the bulky paladin armor aside and move his legs under the open night sky covered with millions of bright stars.

 Maybe he could even go for a walk with Kaltenegger if she was up for it and from the look of it, that seemed to be the case. When Lance slid open the door to the outside, the normally so stubborn cow obeyed him easily and let him walk her out of the lion without any need of shoving. Lance was impressed, was this the effect of fresh air?

 Lance took a look at the view surrounding him, there was this field of long green grass around him that covered the ground as far as he could see and moved gently in the slight night breeze. In the distance were some narrow hills covered in trees and even further away, Lance could see the surface of the sea where the calm water was reflecting the moonlight. He hadn’t realized how much he missed fresh clean air until he let it fill his lungs with deep calming breaths. So far he was really glad they chose to stop on this planet and not some hot volcano planet that was filled with endless rocks.

 As Lance reached the bottom of the ramp, the other team members had gathered themselves in the middle of the lions and some of them delivered him strange looks Lance couldn’t really comprehend. _Why were they staring at him, did he do something wrong, again?_ Lance sighed frustrated as he turned to look away from the group and gave his attention to his companion beside him.

 “Good girl, you’ve done a great job. Now get some rest too, okay? Just please…don’t run off somewhere, I don’t think I have it in me now to start a searching party”, Lance told Kaltenegger with a forced smile on his lips and gave her a light pat on the head. Then he quickly made his way to where the others were standing.

Lance was relieved to see Shiro fully awake and upright again, even if he was using Krolia to support himself.

 “Lance, great to see you decided to join us too”, Pidge said in an amused tone. Lance sheepishly smiled and stroked the hair at the back of his head, before he replied. “Sorry, I just wanted to make sure Kaltenegger was alright after the travel in the lion. Did I miss something?”

 “Well, these two ladies”, Hunk laughed and pointed to Krolia and Romelle, “were just wondering what foreign creature you just brought out of your lion and whether it was dangerous. Don’t worry, I reassured them already Kaltenegger wouldn’t ever harm someone.” Lance brightened up a little, so that’s why they were staring at him. He hadn’t even thought the slightest about Kaltenegger being the reason for these weird looks.

 Keith cleared his throat to draw the attention to him, before saying: “Alright, now that were here, how should we proceed? Any suggestions? I know, we’re all tired but we should at least eat something and discuss our next course of action before we get our well-deserved rest.”

 To everyone’s surprise, Shiro was the one who spook up. “How about a campfire? There’s a forest nearby where we could get some wood.” Lance had to agree with Shiro, the cozy warmth of a campfire did indeed sound tempting as it was night and the temperature was more on the cold side with it‘s light breeze.

 Keith nodded with a smile, “Yeah, I’d like that, we could all eat together around a campfire, talk about the next days and after that, we’ll all hit the pillow. Everybody on this?” The team happily gave his approval, Lance going with the flow of it and so they started splitting the chores.

 Lance had liked the idea of a campfire for its warmth, he also didn’t actually mind being together with his team members but right now, he’d rather just be on his own for a while and clear his head. Seeing his friends laughing and trying to have fun to make the best out of their situation just makes him even more upset, somehow… Urgh why can’t he just get a grip on himself and his stupid emotions for once?

 Keith and Krolia luckily volunteered to explore the forest to gather some firewood, while Hunk to everyone’s relief enthusiastically took it on himself to prepare dinner.

 Pidge helpfully suggested checking the lions damage status and their recharging process while Coran and Lance decided to look through the lions interior for something to sleep on, after all a blanket would be pretty nice even if the grassy ground provided a rather soft mattress in comparison to the metal ground inside the lions.

 To their protest, Allura and Romelle got the simple task to keep an eye on the pets and Shiro, after all he was still quite battered up. At the end they gave in when Shiro insisted he’d help carrying wood as well if Allura and Romelle wouldn’t accept the others wishes to take it easy.

With everyone having their tasks, the team split up and started doing whatever they were supposed to do. 

 ***

A few doboshes later, Lance was silently rummaging through the red lions interior with Coran. It was quite strange as Lance had practically spent his entire time in the pilot room and had only briefly been to the internal room before. Now was the first time Lance actually looked into all the neatly kept storages instead of just walking past them.

 Since every lion was equipped to be ready for practically everything, there were necessarily some essential items in the interior to be prepared for an unexpected emergency situation. There hadn’t been any need to look for them before since everyone could just get to a healing pod quickly if anything had happened but now with castle gone, so was their almost granted chance of survival after suffering any kind of injury. 

 Lance realized frightened that it would take just one fatal blow of the enemy and he’d be gone for good before he even knew… Absentmindedly he shook his head, _enough of this thinking_ , he had the mission to find something comfortable for the night and he’d better succeed since the others were counting on him.

 Beneath various items like hidden food goo rations and a first-aid-kit, Lance finally found something rolled up he believed to be a blanket. “Coran look, I think I found a blanket.” Lance said with a proud smile on his face.

 “Oh young boy I believe that’s not a blanket, may I hold it for a tick?” Coran friendly remarked and took the cushioned bright blue roll out of Lances hands.

“Let’s see if this is what I think it is…” Coran pulled on a short loop that was sticking out of the fabric and a second later the thing in his hand was inflating itself at rapid speed.

 “Wow, it’s an inflating sleeping bag!! That’s amazing Coran, we have these on Earth too, that’s even better than a blanket!” Lance happily exclaimed.

 “Indeed that’s good news, but are there any others? I don’t want to imagine the nine of us deciding on who would get to sleep in it.” Coran asked while he inspected the smooth fabric and then began rolling the long bag back up.

 Lance stretched his hand out into the dark space of the cabinet where he found the sleeping bag and to his joy, along with some dust, he touched another pillowy object. Lance took it out of the cabinet and brushed the dust off, then he showed it triumphantly to Coran. “Looks like there are two bags stored in every lion if mine’s not an exception.”

 “If that’s the case, everyone has one to sleep in, now that’s brilliant! Let’s go look for the other instant beds in the other lions.” Coran declared enthusiastically and started walking towards the exit.

 “ _Instant beds…?_ Yeah sure, let’s do that.” Lance agreed cheerfully with a light chuckle and made his way outside to the other lions following Coran. Camping around a campfire with his team members definitely wasn’t how he imagined this day to end but he hadn’t exactly expected many things that had happened today either.

***

 _This was bad, really bad._ For some reason the black lion was missing not only one sleeping bad, no it was missing both of them. _Who could have possibly taken them?!_ Lance bet it was Zarkon who had been responsible for the black lions lacking equipment, after all the storage was completely empty when he looked through it and he didn’t expect Keith or Shiro to throw away any of it, including a first aid kit amidst all the stuff.

 Lance sighed, the reason for the missing sleeping bags didn’t count, all that mattered was that they only had eight bags instead of nine, which meant one too little. He definitely wasn’t looking forward to telling the others about this discovery, but hey, at least they couldn’t say it was his fault, _right...?_

 ***

 When Lance and Coran rejoined the group in the middle of the field, each carrying four sleeping bags under their arms, Keith and Krolia had come back with their wood stacks, accompanied by their space wolf and were about to build up the campfire. Lance and Coran set the blue rolls on the ground and Lance silently helped them pile up the wood, while Coran checked on the other alteans who were sitting in the grass beside Shiro. 

 As Keith handed Lance a heavy chunk of wood, he glanced to the sleeping bags and asked him curiously with a light smile: ”Lance, is it possible that you and Coran have left one of those blanket rolls in the lions? We are nine in total but I only count eight.”

 The former blue paladin groaned and responded exhaustedly: “Nice to hear you’re still flawless when it comes to math Keith. I know there are only eight, you don’t have to tell me!” Lance rolled his eyes and angrily put the chunk of wood on top of the wood pile. “Geez…for some reason the black lion was missing practically everything in its storage, that’s why we don’t have enough. Oh and by the way, those are sleeping bags, mister know-it-all.”    

 “Lance…what the hell?! What’s up with you, I just asked? No need to get all grumpy with me.” Keith said, confusion written on his face and turned away, clearly irritated.

  _Wow great job Lance, you managed to piss of the leader of the group in the blink of an eye._

Lance sighed, he couldn’t believe he just said that… But the damage was already done and nothing could change that, so he just silently continued piling up the wood with the others until the wood stack was probably big enough to last all night long.

 ***

 Shortly after, a nice big campfire had started to burn and everyone except Hunk was lying in the grass around it, enjoying the warmth it was emitting. The yellow paladin sat slightly away from them, still preparing dinner while he happily hummed and chopped some vegetable looking things with Keith’s knife and threw them into a pot he saved from the castle along with various food items. Keith was watching him closely, after all he’d been very reluctant to lend his valuable blade for this purpose to Hunk. 

 Nevertheless Keith still seemed to be upset over Lance, so the former blue paladin was lying as far away from Keith as he could to bring some distance between them. After all he didn’t want to anger Keith even more, but Lance still caught him inconspicuously looking at him a few times. Which was weird because Keith’s gaze was not only confused but also concerned, but the Keith he knew would never be worried about Lance. Lance figured it must have been the poor lighting tricking him.

 Everyone expectantly sat up when Hulk walked over with a nice smelling pot, stomachs already growling. Hunk noticed the curious eyes following him and apologized with a gentle smile: “Sorry to disappoint you guys, but we have to let this simmer over the fire for at least half a varga before it’s edible.” Hunk had to laugh when everyone groaned disappointedly including Keith’s cosmic wolf who howled in accord with the others.

 Allura suddenly clapped her hands and announced happily: “Well, since we have some time to pass, how about we have nice long chat and catch up with each other, considering this is a wonderful opportunity? I mean, I can’t be the only one interested in Keith’s stories since he joined the Blade of Marmora, can I?”

 The team agreed with Allura right away, it hadn’t been long since Keith had returned to the castle from his last mission as a blade member and therefore hadn’t been a chance to talk about the not-so-essential-for-survival things until now. Lance would never admit it, but he was definitely interested to hear what Keith had been doing over all this time, after all it had changed him a lot and also for the better.

 The team was eagerly looking at their leader and Keith cleared his throat, before he slowly began to tell about his time away from team Voltron...


End file.
